Oh, hello. I've been expecting you. Please, have a seat right over there.
You look a little confused. Understandable. A lot of blogs don't have titles such as 'Murder Me', and the ones that do are usually run by people who are quite disturbed. But as you can see, I'm perfectly right in the head. Aren't I?
...
Well then. Moving right along.
What's this about, you ask? Well, each week, you'll get a chance to try to murder me. No, not literally, of course! You think I've got some sort of death wish? I haven't. I have only an imagination, some free time, and a lot of milk.
The milk is irrelevant.
In this blog, you'll get to try to murder me - hypothetically, of course - with whoever and whatever you want. You pick the person, the place, their weapons, and my defense. I pick how I could possibly survive.
Each week, you'll get to pit me up against whatever contender you like, so long as it's tangible. A pirate with double katanas aboard a ship with a banana as my only defense. An angry old British man with a handlebar mustache come to seek his revenge on me at a pool party. An army of Helen Keller robot-zombies hiding under my bed as I sleep. The possibilities are limited only by your own imagination.
Of course, I won't always win. The rules of physics - if not strictly the rules of realism - must be followed, after all, and sometimes it is just impossible for a person to survive. In this case, congratulations. I'll come up with a prize when it reaches that point.
I will pick whichever murder most catches my eye. Any murderers who do not get a chance to fight me - i.e., are not posted on the blog - are presumed to be hit by a speeding ice cream truck on their way over. The first murder will occur next Wednesday.
Until then, what are you waiting around for? Go ahead. Murder me.
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All attempted murders should be sent to acacia.murderme@gmail.com, using the following format:
THE BATTLEFIELD: [Choose wisely.]
THE OPPONENT: [Person or Person-type-thing]
THEIR MOTIVE: [What have I done to slight them so?]
THEIR WEAPONS: [Be creative.]
MY DEFENSES: [I've got to have at least one.]
Good luck.
