Oh, hello. I've been expecting you. Please, have a seat right over there.
You look a little confused. Understandable. A lot of blogs don't have titles such as 'Murder Me', and the ones that do are usually run by people who are quite disturbed. But as you can see, I'm perfectly right in the head. Aren't I?
...
Well then. Moving right along.
What's this about, you ask? Well, each week, you'll get a chance to try to murder me. No, not literally, of course! You think I've got some sort of death wish? I haven't. I have only an imagination, some free time, and a lot of milk.
The milk is irrelevant.
In this blog, you'll get to try to murder me - hypothetically, of course - with whoever and whatever you want. You pick the person, the place, their weapons, and my defense. I pick how I could possibly survive.
Each week, you'll get to pit me up against whatever contender you like, so long as it's tangible. A pirate with double katanas aboard a ship with a banana as my only defense. An angry old British man with a handlebar mustache come to seek his revenge on me at a pool party. An army of Helen Keller robot-zombies hiding under my bed as I sleep. The possibilities are limited only by your own imagination.
Of course, I won't always win. The rules of physics - if not strictly the rules of realism - must be followed, after all, and sometimes it is just impossible for a person to survive. In this case, congratulations. I'll come up with a prize when it reaches that point.
I will pick whichever murder most catches my eye. Any murderers who do not get a chance to fight me - i.e., are not posted on the blog - are presumed to be hit by a speeding ice cream truck on their way over. The first murder will occur next Wednesday.
Until then, what are you waiting around for? Go ahead. Murder me.
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All attempted murders should be sent to acacia.murderme@gmail.com, using the following format:
THE BATTLEFIELD: [Choose wisely.]
THE OPPONENT: [Person or Person-type-thing]
THEIR MOTIVE: [What have I done to slight them so?]
THEIR WEAPONS: [Be creative.]
MY DEFENSES: [I've got to have at least one.]
Good luck.
I LOVE THIS IDEA, ACACIAFACE! YOU'RE BRILLIANT! Obviously.
ReplyDeleteAcacia, this is going to be amazing.
ReplyDelete-Maria
THE BATTLEFIELD: The Home Depot
ReplyDeleteTHE OPPONENT: A deranged power tool adviser in an orange Home Depot smock.
THEIR MOTIVE: You tried to steal a candy bar from the front register.
THEIR WEAPONS: They have taken control of all the powertools, i.e. a chainsaw, an electric screwdriver, a table saw, a jigsaw, and various other saws at their disposal. He also picked up a hammer and axe, even though those aren't power tools, but because he works there he knows how to navigate the aisles quite well.
MY DEFENSES: A potted plant from the nursery. And it's one of thsoe cheap plastic pots because they don't sell them in the clay ones becuase that's silly.
I sent mine by email. Mwuahahaha. >:)
ReplyDeleteTHE BATTLEFIELD: A gay bar in New York.
ReplyDeleteTHE OPPONENT: A hoarde of angry lesbians.
THEIR MOTIVE: They have realized that you are not, in fact, dating Krista, you are only pretending to do so so as not to make them think you're available, and this has pissed them off, because they don't like liars. Many of them have had too much to drink.
THEIR WEAPONS: Bar stools, beer bottles, the TV they ripped off the wall, bottle openers, and balloons they were using because they're really there to celebrate someone's birthday until you had the gall to come in and tick them of. One of them is armed with a table, and another, who happens to be an undercover bear hunter, has a taser. Unfortunatly for you, the other Ninjas are distracted by...
MY DEFENSES: Seth's unconcious body. At this point, you don't know if he's alive. The only thing we know is that he passed out from shock at being in such a horrid enviornment. Oh, and maybe the sedative Ilana gave him so he wouldn't run away has something to do with it. However, because the angry gays have taken anything of value and your Ninja friends are off doing such silly things as trying to find aid for Seth, you are left with only his body to defend yourself.
Poor Seth.
I love that one, Amy. A lot.
ReplyDelete